My dear Craigslist has taken a hit in the media these past few months, but I stand by Craig and his list because without him, I might not live. It’s the way we do business in the city. Sure there are the freaks and geeks and murderers who use it too, but 9 times out of 10 you won’t die if you let them in.

A pet peeve of mine is the fake ad responder craigslister. It goes like this:

1. I list a shelf for sale.
2. He emails something simple like, “Do you still have them?”
3. I say, “Yes. Let me know if you want to come get them”

Usually a day goes by and then you get an email from them saying something like the following:

Hello,
I am glad it is still available for sale.I am very much interested in buying your item and i am ok with the price. I am only able to make payment by money order at this time b/c i am away on assignment. Please provide me with your name , address and phone number for payment. It will take about 7days for payment to get to you. As per pick-up, I will make arrangement for the pick-up after payment has been received by you. I don’t mind adding thirty dollars so you can keep it in my favor.Please take the posting off craigslist today and consider it sold to me. Thanks

Expecting to hear from you soon.

Regards

First of all, who says, Regards? I could pick through this all day and still not be done with the red flags and grammatical errors. I could also choose three options of dealing with this man who calls himself Luke Hoffman:

1. Ignore him.
2. Write back and cuss him out because he’s ruined my Pollyanna view of the world.
3. Write him an email that will make him feel very uncomfortable, laugh, or think he has to hide for the rest of his life because some psychotic freak is obsessed with him.

I chose #3.

Here is my response:

Really, ‘Luke.’ Exactly how retarded do you think I am? You need to find a new game and some new skills because this one’s been played out for over a year now. You should check into the stuff the Nigerians are doing–I’ve even heard that Indonesia’s been bringing its A-game lately.

Have you ever watched ‘The Karate Kid,’ ‘Luke?’ May I call you ‘Luke’ or would you prefer ‘Mr. Hoffman?’ Because I’m feeling really close to you right now and, I don’t know, but ‘Luke’ just sounds more honest. If you don’t have a mom or a dad, don’t worry, because ‘Karate Kid’ will teach you everything you need to know about life. You know that book, ‘All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten?’ It’s hogwash, ‘Luke.’ Hogwash in comparison to ‘The Karate Kid.’ ‘Karate Kid’ is way better than that. I know, I know, you’ll just have to take my word for it. The Kobra Kais think they’re so awesome and invincible and Daniel couldn’t beat them because they knew each others moves because in karate, it’s all the same, but then Mr. Miyagi taught him The Crane and The Crane is what finally beat the Kobra Kais and brought shame to their dojo. Without The Crane, Daniel would have been just another bastard child hanging out in Reseda with his mom and he would have dropped out of school and gotten a girl pregnant a few times and sure, he’d learn a few skills down at the Jiffy Lube, but his kids would be the dirty kids at school–the smelly ones that nobody wants to play with–and then they’d end up just like their dad. That’s how these things happen, ‘Luke.’ I know because I have a Netflix account and I get three dvds at a time and so I learn all kinds of life lessons. I highly recommend getting one. Mine costs $16.99 a month. Oh, ‘Luke,’ it’s the best.

Do you hear what I’m saying, ‘Luke?’ You need the equivalent of The Crane. If you’re going to scam money out of people, you’ve got to think bigger than Craigslist. You seem like you have so much more potential than that. Set your sights on something higher. You know how they say if you aim at nothing you’re sure to hit it and that if you shoot for the moon and miss, you’ll still be among the stars? It’s so true, ‘Luke.’ You’re not shooting for the moon, ‘Luke.’ You’re using Cold War weapons and those just aren’t going to go very far because they’re really kind of old and people actually refer to them as relics. And also the Soviet Union made them and we all know they’re a bunch of liars and cheaters–go no further than ‘Rocky IV’ and ‘Red Dawn’ to see that.

If you were really in New York, or even on my continent, I would really love to buy you a Sno-Cone and some Nesquik Chocolate Milk. You’ve had a tough day. You’ve worked hard. You deserve it. ‘Luke,’ I want you to go forth into this world and make yourself into something great. It’s going to be hard to make it better than Karate Kid, but aim for that. Aim for The Crane.

Good luck, my son, my darling, ‘Luke.’

Adrian Balboa

Tags: "hoax", "minus five", "new york", "sarah coffman", Brooklyn, Craigslist

This entry was posted on Tuesday, June 2nd, 2009 at 11:45 am and is filed under Craigslist.
You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.


Previous Entries