Though I could have picked up these things from my dad, or as the result of years of plastic bag separations in my lunch box, I’m convinced that God made me this way as some kind of sick joke.

While my traits might have been visible all along, nobody verbalized the following as “rules” until high school. So, yeah, I’m used to Minus Five dining virgins and their partners’ endless questions and stares. That’s why compiled a list of my rules below to prevent you from viewing me as a sideshow freak or a piece of alleged art at the MoMA, should we ever break bread*:

Overview

1. My food can’t touch.

2. I eat in sections, one thing at a time, never returning to a previously encountered pile of food.

3. I always wipe off my utensils before moving on to another section.

4. Although I love sections, I do not like to eat from pre-sectioned plates or trays as it is more difficult to control an overflow situation and does not allow for a natural barrier.

For example:

Take potatoes and peaches. (I don’t know why they would be on the same plate, but for the sake of this illustration, pretend that you’re in third grade and the lunch lady just dumped those two mounds on your tray.) The peach juice, if disturbed by the slightest movement, has the ability to creep over the plastic cliff into the potato arena, thus creating a mote around your potatoes and rendering them, for me, inedible since it’s impossible to enjoy peach-flavored potatoes.

5. I’ll never eat dessert off my dinner plate, unless it’s washed first.

6. I will not eat any kind of asian food or most of anything that is not american. As long as there’s a burger on the menu, I’ll be fine.

Regarding Vegetables, Condiments, and Other Food Items

1. Cooked vegetables disgust me. Especially carrots.

2. No onions**. Ever. If an onion has even been in the region of my food, I can taste it. If you think you can sneak them in and I won’t notice, I will.

3. I like lettuce and tomatoes, but not on sandwiches. Or burgers. Or anywhere. They are acceptable only in salads.

4. A salad I will eat may contain the following, but nothing more: lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, cucumbers, eggs, carrots, broccoli, fried chicken, and as many croutons as possible.

5. Ranch is the only dressing I like. Hidden Valley Ranch, not Wishbone–they’re different.

6. I will not eat cabbage or coleslaw or any kind of slaw-like matter.

7. I like mayonnaise on sandwiches and burgers, but not stirred into things like ground-up, leftover turkey that’s thrown between two pieces of bread and passed off as a delicacy.

8. Relish is sick.

9. I won’t eat the sweet pickles, but dill are fine as long as they are eaten by themselves.

10. I don’t like red sauces unless they’re on pizza.

11. Ricotta cheese reminds me of pictures of a really bad yeast infection that you might see in health class.

Restaurants and Brand Loyalty

1. Velveeta counts as a cheese.

2. I repeat-eat at a select few restaurants and never venture out or feel the urge to try something new.

3. Chicken fettucini alfredo and pizza margarite are the only two things I can eat at an Italian Restaurant. If I’m at Macaroni Grill, I can also eat the Penne Rustica.

4. Seafood restaurants are out of the question unless they have popcorn shrimp like Red Lobster. Regular-sized shrimp gives me visions of eating a strong and very alive animal.

5. Long John Silver’s is acceptable, but only because of their chicken planks. And hushpuppies. And batter-dipped fries. And extra containers of crunchies.

Meat

1. My favorite meal is steak and potatoes.

2. Tuna fish is one of the most disgusting things on the face of the earth and in no way should have been allowed into the Helper family.

3. Red meat should be consumed as often as possible.

4. I’m for barbeque brisket and chopped beef and sausage.

5. I will not eat liver or anything that ends with “wurst.”

6. I won’t eat anything that contains the word “pork” because it sounds gross and makes me think of lard.

7. Lamb or goat or anything else that ends in “chops” should be avoided.

8. There is nothing right about stew or soup that is not chicken noodle (containing only chicken and noodles. no peas or carrots or other soup ruiners).

9. Fish is gross and so are fish sticks and fish tacos and fish sandwiches and anything containing the word, “fish.”

Beverages

1. I love fruit-flavored soda and most fruit-flavored drinks, but I don’t like the combination of juices. Exceptions to this rule are: Cranapple and Strawberry+Banana+Pineapple.

2. I’m a big fan of Kool-aid and Gatorade, particularly when it’s blue-flavored.

3. I don’t like wine or beer and wouldn’t drink it if you paid me.

4. Lemon usage in drinks is never a good idea unless I’m drinking lemonade.

Breakfast

1. I like having breakfast for dinner.

2. Cereal and Instant-Oatmeal are awesome, but I won’t eat the old people dried-fruit/bran combos.

3. Trix gross me out because they’re too small.

4. Rice Krispies gross me out because they get soggy too fast, so I’ll only eat them in a bar/marshmallow state of existence.

5. Lucky Charms, Froot Loops, Cap’n Crunch, Cap’n Crunch Crunch Berries are my favorites.

6. I also sometimes get hooked on Grape-Nuts, Kellogg’s Raisin Bran, Honey Nut Cheerios, and Fiber One with Honey Clusters.

7. I can’t stand regular Cheerios or being next to anyone who is eating them because of the smell.

8. A single floating cereal piece makes me want to throw up, so I chase the ones that are left at the end with my spoon until I have captured them all at one time.

Fruit and Candy

1. Green grapes are good. Red grapes are not.

2. Single grapes are worse to me than roaches. I can’t eat them or look at them if they’re not on the vine.

3. The only thing worse than a single grape is a single, miniature grape.

4. I’ll eat most fruit, but not when it’s mixed together.

5. I rarely crave or eat chocolate.

6. Skittles, Starburst, Sprees, Sour Patch Kids, Cherry Sours, Lemon Sours, Orange Slices, Circus Peanuts, Nerds, Blow-Pops, Fun-Dip, Gobstoppers, Smarties, and Jolly Rancher’s will always occupy the greatest and biggest place in my heart.

7. Anytime is a good time for pudding and Jell-o and Fruit Roll-ups and Fruit Gushers.

Other Thoughts On Food

1. Most things were made to be fried.

2. I don’t like eating at other peoples’ houses because they worry so much about me liking or not liking things. But never fear, should I appear at your table, I’m an expert at hiding whole sections of food in my napkin, so giving me one is appreciated.

3. Nearly everything I love to eat can be found at a concession stand or in an elementary school cafeteria.

4. Frito Pie.

5. I don’t like fancy food or my plate to be decorated like a work of art.

6. I’m not one of those people who send food back or complain about things being too rare.

7. I love chain restaurants and free-refills of Coke in big glasses.

8. Lasagna is the plague.

9. Crockpot always spells disaster.

10. My sister is a registered dietitian.

*By no means is this an exhaustive list, nor is it any guarantee you will not be able to tack on more of your observations.

**Also true for scallions. I consider them cousins of onions.